*Sigh*
I've come to a crossroads again. I have something I feel I must do, but I'm afraid to do it. I've done it a million different times in my head in a million different ways. In my head when I do this thing I am cool and composed, but I've felt this way before and those two words never describes what happens.
It's weird how I can trick myself into feeling like I have no fear. I am cool as ice right until I'm in the situation, when there's no going back and I stumble through the thing like a buffoon. I wish my mouth could form the words that my brain makes. I feel more intelligent in my head than I feel when I speak. I'm sure that's how most people feel. I bet most everyone is more intelligent than they appear, excluding the arrogent people who appear more intelligent than they really are.
I don't want to end up telling myself I'm going to do something and then not do it. I need to break away from my habit of passivity, from this feeling that I'm always a sideline spectator. If I told a friend what I need to do, then they could hold me accountable. That's something else I need to do, start confiding in friends more often.
That post about the rips in life is applicable to this situation right here. Two years ago I was blind to all the faults in my character that I'm just now beginning to see. Life is a riot isn't it?
Life's Simple Pleasures
Sometimes there's nothing better than dressing up as a ninja and playing an intense game of soccer with your mates.
We lost by a point or two, but I got congratulated on my hustling and defending abilities. I had a blast playing.
Dealing with Rips
I tried to fix a rip on the knee of some pants I have by sewing it up. It worked for a short time. I was quite proud of myself. I'd fixed a pair of pants on my own. I showed them to people, expecting them to congratulate me on my handiwork. The sewn up tear added character to them. It was a badge of honor displaying my ingenuity and thriftiness and it made my pants unique.
Then later in the day the threading tore apart. The rip was worse. All it ever had any hope of being was a temporary fix. I hadn't actually solved the problem, I just thought I had.
That's kind of how life is sometimes. I think I have things together. Then a small rip happens. It's bound to happen. The integrity of various areas of my life aren't ever as strong as I think they are. I usually apply a quick fix to the problem. Maybe I'll avoid a situation or confrontation with someone. I'll suppress feelings I have so I don't have to deal with them. I'll ignore something I need to take care of in the hopes that it'll go away. Eventually whatever it is that I'm doing stops working and the rip gets worse and more noticeable.
The way to fix a rip in the knee is with a patch. Sure it's going to look pretty ugly, but it'll fix the problem.
Sometimes I wish I could just go grab a new pair of pants.
Mathew 25
Mathew 25:41-46 says...
"Then he will say to those on his left, 'Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.'
"They also will answer, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?'
"He will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.'
"Then they will go away to eternal punishment, but the righteous to eternal life."
Two Christmas breaks ago I went to wal-mart and purchased a video game. I spent about $50 on it. My mother was waiting in line, so I decided to go out and wait in the car.
In the parking lot a young woman accosted me. I don't remember if she grabbed my sleeve or not, the memory has faded somewhat. I do remember her eyes. She was desperate, seeking someone to take compassion on her.
She asked me if I could loan her a small amount of money, somewhere around the sum of five bucks. I shrugged and said, "Sorry I don't have any cash." and promptly walked toward the car. I had a 20 dollar bill in my wallet. I could have told her that all I had was a 20 and didn't want to loan it to her, but I lied instead. I think it was because I didn't want her to think I was a total dirtbag.
An Old Friend
I got back yesterday afternoon from Arkansas. It was a great trip for the most part. I don't sleep on hard ground real well, so I'm absolutely tired right now. However I wanted to get some stuff down here before I go to sleep. I took a lot of pictures and I think some turned out really well, I'll try and post some of them up here later.
Before I went up to Arkansas with my roommate and two other buddies, I went home. I wouldn't say I get homesick, but I do enjoy the chance to go home and see my family. I try to take that chance as often as I can. My Aunt from here in Oklahoma took me down, so I was able to spend some time with her and her family which was nice.
While at home I got to see a good friend who I haven't seen in two years. I talk to her a lot online. She's been my online/phone confidant these past two years and I usually go to her to get stuff off my chest and ask for her advice. It was somewhat weird to see her. It almost felt like no time had past since we last saw each other, but there were noticeable differences all the same. Her voice was different. It sounded more airy/spacey than I remember. She seemed sadder, but I might have just been projecting that on her. She's been through a lot of crap, stuff that makes your average man-hating Lifetime movie seem tame. That's one of the downsides to a long-distance friendship; You can't be there to physically comfort them. All you can do is lend an electronic ear.
I saw her before she saw me. It was just the back of her head, but I knew it was her. I shouted to her and we met up. There was an awkward hello. She told me that I looked older. I told her that she looked older as well, though she looked the same to me. We went to sonic to grab a couple of slushies, my sister was tagging along (which was ok because they knew each other). There was a lot of things that went unsaid. We talked about school, her upcoming road trip, and racial stereotypes. Then we parted with a hug and a goodbye and went our separate ways. I hadn't seen her in two years and all I could spare was an hour and a few bucks for a couple of slushies. As pitiful as that may sound, I thoroughly enjoyed it.
Good friends are treasures to keep and not to be tossed out when they get older or grow distant.
Time is Passing By
One of my friends just got engaged. It feels strange to think that people who are my own age are getting married. I feel older than I felt a day ago.
Analyzing Beauty and the Beast
This past Sunday I was eating lunch with some friends from church and the topic of Disney movies came up. I think it branched off from your typical gender superiority discussion (you know, who's the better sex). Anyways, the conversation inevitably ended up with three women trying to psychoanalyze Disney movies. They talked about the tendency for Disney protagonists to have no mother. Ariel, Belle, Jasmine, Snow White, Cinderalla, Lilo, etc.
Udoka's Trip to Mexico
My good friend Udoka took a trip to Oaxaca, Mexico with a group from SMU. It's pretty interesting. If you like travel blogs, check out her blog on the trip.
Taking Each Other For Granted
My mother and sister came to visit this weekend. I wish I had more time to spend with them. I had to spend a lot of time doing spring sing stuff.
At one point I almost left my mom to go grab a milkshake with some buddies. I wasn't thinking. I figured I'd have time later to go eat with her and talk. Thankfully someone pointed out how stupid I was being and so I ended up going to dinner with my mom. I guess I just took for granted that she was there. I do that often. I do so now less than I used to, but I still do it. I often fall into the trap of assuming that these people will be around forever.
That's a dangerous thing to assume. Our culture creates so much stuff for occupying time that separates us from each other. I see people with their noses stuck in their i-phone while people are standing all around them. I'm not trying to suggest that technology or solitude is evil, but it's a good idea to see what place it holds in your life.
This past winter break I watched very little TV and played very few video games. I spent a lot of time with friends and my family. I feel like I didn't waste any of that time. I made some really good memories. One of the things I love about my family is our dinnertime conversations. When we all sit together and eat, we seem to lose a sense of time. There's just a feeling of pleasure in being in each other's presence. We're not anxious to get done with the meal to go watch whatever's on the television. We sit there and relish each other's company.
If you haven't sat in a diner and had an involved three hour conversation with someone, you're missing out on one of the finer things in life. Don't take the people that you love for granted.
The Parish on Lent
The Parish Speaks his Mind about Lent and Facebook
Greg's blog is one that constantly offends and yet causes introspection at the same time. He's a former Christian minister/professor who has given up on Christianity and become what I would probably call an agnostic Atheist. I highly recommend his blog, but caution you to take what he says with a grain of salt.
I still visit him occasionally because he's really good at criticizing Christians for their own hypocrisy, which is something that should be taken note of.
I myself gave up facebook for lent, which I admit was somewhat of a silly and impulsive choice. Not to mention my posting of the fact on my status so that people knew I was away totally went against Mathew Chapter 6 (it really did seem like a good idea at the time). I've however stuck with it so far and it has allowed for a little bit more reflection than I normally allow to seep into my day.
Greg is right in pointing out that large portions of Christian culture have degraded into little more than self-improvement. That's why there's churches doing entire sermon series on how to have better sex with your spouse. That's why Joel Osteen can sell millions of copies of "Your Best Life Now" and "Become a Better You". That's why evangelizing can quickly turn into an attempt to assuage doubts rather than an attempt to share the gospel.
It's hard for me to not focus on my own issues and my own journey. We need to be constantly reminded that our focus should also be turned to the spiritual growth and support of others. Ideally, focusing on helping others grow will cultivate growth within ourselves, plus it's just the right thing to do.