Authenticity
There's this guy at my school who can be kind of obnoxious. He will readily admit this himself. People make fun of him sometimes. He's freaked out and disgusted a few people. I admire him though. There's a lot of authenticity to him. He seems to say what's on his mind. He seems to not care about social stigmas whatsoever. He says lots of things that offend people, but I think he says them because that's what he's thinking and not because that's what will shock. He has an ugly side to him (who doesn't?), but he doesn't seem to try to hide it.
The idea of authenticity is important to me. Except a lot of times I have to take my approach in the opposite direction. I have to hide things so I'm absolutely sure it's coming from a sincere place in myself. I get too much satisfaction from people's praise and too much discouragement from their criticism.
The feeling of inauthenticity[sic] has began to creep up into this blog. I made it known to a wide range of people because my past blog was only available to a couple of people and thus I was never motivated to update it.
As the writer from Tarkovsky's Stalker says, "A man writes because he is tormented, because he doubts. He needs to constantly prove to himself and the others that he's worth something. And if I know for sure that I'm a genius? Why write then? What the hell for?"
I have a conflicting desire to write and hide at the same time.
I have thoughts that I feel like would cause people disgust, beliefs that would cause ostricization. The very fact that I'm afraid to share these things shows I've failed in being authentic with those people I'm afraid to share with. It'd be impossible for me to be totally authentic on this blog; hell, humans can't even be truthful with themselves. I will however promise to make an effort towards that ideal state as often as I can. I'm going to try and show some of my ugly side. Maybe it'll be helpful to someone who reads it or maybe somebody who reads it can be helpful to me. I'm willing to give it a shot.