Memories
I remember there was this one girl named Sarah in first grade who liked me. She would chase me on the playground and try and give me kisses. On the playground we had these huge tires that were half burried in the ground. You could hide inside them. One time Sarah ended up cornering me in the tire and planted a kiss on my cheek. I wasn't really interested in her though. Instead I thought another girl was really cute. I don't even remember her name. I think it started with a K. She ended up moving away.
I got into the only thing I would ever consider a fight because of Sarah. Some guys were being really mean to her and it made me mad. This was during P.E. when we were running laps. Everyone had paper cards that they got hole punched for every lap completed. I walked over to one of the boys and initiated some shoving. Then he tore my card up. I tore his card up too. We couldn't very well run laps without getting our cards punched, so we proceeded to go tell on each other to the coach. We both got punished (time out during recess I think).
I used to be a pretty loud and obnoxious kid. I wasn't afraid to speak my mind. I thought I was the smartest kid there was. I always tried to answer the questions the teachers in class asked.
Then something happened around middle school. I became more reserved. I became almost afraid to speak up in class. My grades started slipping. I began to lose confidence in myself. My dad mentions this every now and then. He talks about how much I changed in that time period. I think he's saddened by how I changed. You can tell in the tone of his voice when he mentions it. He used to say that he never knows what I'm thinking or feeling.
He says that he's noticed how much I've changed since I've been to college too. He seems to think that I've changed for the better somehow. I don't get it really. I mean sure I've grown in some ways, but I don't feel like I've taken a new direction or anything. Sometimes I wish I could have glimpses of how other people see me. I feel like there's a disconnect between how I see myself and how other people see me. Maybe that's part of why we need relationships, so we can get a clearer picture of who we are.
Water
One of my favorite directors, Andrei Tarkovsky, understood the power of water. It constantly changes it's form, never the same. Film can capture it's essence in a way that no other medium can.
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BXyKlqS07tc]
I love the rain. There's something innately divine about it. Almost all religions give water some sort of significance. It's the force that gives us life. We are dust and water, but more so water.
Jesus describes himself as the living water. Whenever I think of Christ in terms of water, I think of a raging river or a downpour of rain amidst a thunderstorm. It's forceful, carrying you along with it. I was baptized at the age of 16, almost 17. In my denomination it's generally considered that 12 is about the proper age to commit oneself to Christ. I put it off. I'm not sure why.
My baptism was largely uneventful. It was on a Wednesday night. A handful of people were sitting out in the pews. My dad baptized me in the baptistery. The water in the baptistery is stagnant and unmoving. That's not to say it isn't clean, but that it's lacking in force. It's a just a big bathtub filled with the blood of Jesus. I went in and came out. Several people came up and hugged me while I was still wet. I didn't feel a whole lot different, just a little more grown up maybe. If anything I became a worse sinner right after my baptism. A couple of months down the road and I came across ideas I didn't know how to explain away. I got into situations I didn't know how to handle. All along my pride was pulled behind me, obscured from view.We're all constantly being washed clean again. We need it.
Whenever it's raining I feel like God is close by. Sometimes I like to go out and let the rain pour over me. It soaks into my clothes and into my skin. It drips from my hair onto my nose and cheeks. The sound of thunder seems to be the voice of God. Somehow rain can assuage all the doubts that seem to keep my faith in a constant state of tension. I stop thinking and I just stay there in the moment. Nothing but me and water.
Rest
So things worked out a lot better than I expected. The person I talked to was grateful I told them the truth. They weren't upset and had even more respect for me for opening up. Oftentimes I'm way too afraid of offending people. When I stand by my beliefs and feelings and say what's on my heart, I maintain my integrity. Whether the person loses respect for me or not is irrelevant.
Thankfully that wasn't the case here. In fact in some ways I felt closer to them than I did before. There was a brief period where I felt really proud of the way I handled things. I started the situation out a little shaky, but I was able to maintain my composure and deal with it in a mature manner. There's always an elevated sense of living when you realize that you stepped out of your comfort zone and did something that was hard. Someone told me that feeling is called peace.
However, right now I feel drained. I put a lot of willpower, thought, and emotion into the situation. Now that it's several days in the past, the feeling of satisfaction has left. I'm slightly exhausted. I don't exactly know what to do with myself, what direction to go. I've climbed out of the pit and found myself in a vast plain with enticing options in every direction.
I'm ready to move forward, but I think for now I'll just sit down and stay put while I catch my breath.
Loneliness
EDIT: I feel a lot better now. I called up some friends and checked up on them. This feeling like all things passes in time and can be waylaid by showing a little initiative.
I feel lonely.
My roommate is laying down on the lower bunk beneath mine. He's on his computer reading. We stopped connecting a long time ago. We're just too different. An invisible Berlin Wall runs through the middle of our room, keeping us from speaking to each other. I want to paint graffiti on it and write nasty things.
I feel abandoned.
The medicinal laughter and knowing looks of a good friend are replaced with silence and the glow of a computer screen. It's always the same story. I let someone dig their hooks into me. Then a girl, work, or some new opportunity comes along and pulls them away, ripping fresh wounds into my skin. I stand there bleeding while they disappear off into the horizon.
I want to start over.
It's hard to start over in the same place. Everything is a reminder of the past. When I'm in a familiar place, I can see the ghostly images of the past overlaying the present. People that are no longer here running around campus in transient forms.
There's a party outside.
I can hear laughter and music. Why am I such a wet blanket? Why does it seem to be inherent to my nature? I wish I was not so negative.
I need a hug.
Life Lessons
I've learned some important lessons over the past week.
- Don't blow stuff way out of proportion. Things seem like a bigger deal in your own mind than they do to other people.
- Try not to anticipate what a person is going to say before you talk to them. This leads to the previous point.
- If you write someone a letter and they don't respond immediately, don't assume that they're breaking contact with you or that they're angry at you. Sometimes people have other issues to deal with and they can't get back to you immediately.
- Getting outside your comfort zone is well worth it.
Honesty
I told someone the truth. It was hard for me. I really didn't want to do it. I rethought it over and over again. I thought maybe I could move on and never tell them, let them keep thinking a lie. However, I chose not to do that.
I told them how I felt. I think it was the right thing to do. But if that were the case, why does it feel so wrong?
Conflict
I've become increasingly frustrated with someone recently. Sometimes you come to a point where it's hard to see anything but that one thing about the person. This person can really get under my skin. I don't want to be passive, avoiding conflict. Conflict isn't necesarily a negative force. It's a force for change which can be both positive or negative. Without conflict there is just atrophy. The key is understanding the proper and improper ways of dealing with and initiating conflict.
I have been dealing with my conflict with this other person in an improper manner, which has also caused them to retaliate in an equally improper manner. I still think my feelings should be expressed, but in a way that's more constructive and constitutes more meekness (namely having an actual conversation about my beef with this person).
Confession
"We love those who know the worst of us and don't turn their faces away."
- Walker Percy
I'm currently reading Augustine's Confessions (link). It's basically a book where Augustine describes his life of sin before he became committed to God and the way that he was saved from sin by God's grace.
In the forward of my Oxford Press copy it talks about how the work was intended as a way to shut up a lot of those who were critical of him in the Church. He put his whole life and all his shortcomings out there for all to see.
In the college class on Sunday at church we wrote down on note cards the sins that we struggle with , the places where we find ourselves struggling the most, the people we find cause us to struggle the most, etc. I was sitting fairly closely to the guy next to me. I wrote down single word descriptions that might not mean much to a wayward glance but still conveyed a lot of meaning to myself. I angled the card on my leg so that it was facing away from the guy sitting next to me. I really didn't want him to see anything.
Maybe there's something to all those churches that have people go confess to their priests (though there's definitely problems in that model as well).
*Sigh*
I've come to a crossroads again. I have something I feel I must do, but I'm afraid to do it. I've done it a million different times in my head in a million different ways. In my head when I do this thing I am cool and composed, but I've felt this way before and those two words never describes what happens.
It's weird how I can trick myself into feeling like I have no fear. I am cool as ice right until I'm in the situation, when there's no going back and I stumble through the thing like a buffoon. I wish my mouth could form the words that my brain makes. I feel more intelligent in my head than I feel when I speak. I'm sure that's how most people feel. I bet most everyone is more intelligent than they appear, excluding the arrogent people who appear more intelligent than they really are.
I don't want to end up telling myself I'm going to do something and then not do it. I need to break away from my habit of passivity, from this feeling that I'm always a sideline spectator. If I told a friend what I need to do, then they could hold me accountable. That's something else I need to do, start confiding in friends more often.
That post about the rips in life is applicable to this situation right here. Two years ago I was blind to all the faults in my character that I'm just now beginning to see. Life is a riot isn't it?
Life's Simple Pleasures
Sometimes there's nothing better than dressing up as a ninja and playing an intense game of soccer with your mates.
We lost by a point or two, but I got congratulated on my hustling and defending abilities. I had a blast playing.
