Rebecca
I just finished watching Alfred Hitchcock's film, Rebecca. It was a great film. I was somewhat skeptical at the beginning as it seemed to be your typical romance movie with all the cheese that entails. However the movie soon moved past this toward more meaty dramatic material that seemed to me like watching a trainwreck and a 40 car pile up all thrown together into a big pot with just a dash of intrigue thrown in for flavor.
In typical Hitchcockian fashion, curve balls are constantly being thrown at the viewer. Just as soon as I thought I knew what was going on, another factor came into play. It was a positively satisfying experience.
There's some great thought provoking stuff in there about the fallacy of comparing ourselves to others and how we're decieved by social displays of happiness in others. Go check it out.
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j3TgoekMV5Y]
Water
One of my favorite directors, Andrei Tarkovsky, understood the power of water. It constantly changes it's form, never the same. Film can capture it's essence in a way that no other medium can.
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BXyKlqS07tc]
I love the rain. There's something innately divine about it. Almost all religions give water some sort of significance. It's the force that gives us life. We are dust and water, but more so water.
Jesus describes himself as the living water. Whenever I think of Christ in terms of water, I think of a raging river or a downpour of rain amidst a thunderstorm. It's forceful, carrying you along with it. I was baptized at the age of 16, almost 17. In my denomination it's generally considered that 12 is about the proper age to commit oneself to Christ. I put it off. I'm not sure why.
My baptism was largely uneventful. It was on a Wednesday night. A handful of people were sitting out in the pews. My dad baptized me in the baptistery. The water in the baptistery is stagnant and unmoving. That's not to say it isn't clean, but that it's lacking in force. It's a just a big bathtub filled with the blood of Jesus. I went in and came out. Several people came up and hugged me while I was still wet. I didn't feel a whole lot different, just a little more grown up maybe. If anything I became a worse sinner right after my baptism. A couple of months down the road and I came across ideas I didn't know how to explain away. I got into situations I didn't know how to handle. All along my pride was pulled behind me, obscured from view.We're all constantly being washed clean again. We need it.
Whenever it's raining I feel like God is close by. Sometimes I like to go out and let the rain pour over me. It soaks into my clothes and into my skin. It drips from my hair onto my nose and cheeks. The sound of thunder seems to be the voice of God. Somehow rain can assuage all the doubts that seem to keep my faith in a constant state of tension. I stop thinking and I just stay there in the moment. Nothing but me and water.
Rest
So things worked out a lot better than I expected. The person I talked to was grateful I told them the truth. They weren't upset and had even more respect for me for opening up. Oftentimes I'm way too afraid of offending people. When I stand by my beliefs and feelings and say what's on my heart, I maintain my integrity. Whether the person loses respect for me or not is irrelevant.
Thankfully that wasn't the case here. In fact in some ways I felt closer to them than I did before. There was a brief period where I felt really proud of the way I handled things. I started the situation out a little shaky, but I was able to maintain my composure and deal with it in a mature manner. There's always an elevated sense of living when you realize that you stepped out of your comfort zone and did something that was hard. Someone told me that feeling is called peace.
However, right now I feel drained. I put a lot of willpower, thought, and emotion into the situation. Now that it's several days in the past, the feeling of satisfaction has left. I'm slightly exhausted. I don't exactly know what to do with myself, what direction to go. I've climbed out of the pit and found myself in a vast plain with enticing options in every direction.
I'm ready to move forward, but I think for now I'll just sit down and stay put while I catch my breath.
Loneliness
EDIT: I feel a lot better now. I called up some friends and checked up on them. This feeling like all things passes in time and can be waylaid by showing a little initiative.
I feel lonely.
My roommate is laying down on the lower bunk beneath mine. He's on his computer reading. We stopped connecting a long time ago. We're just too different. An invisible Berlin Wall runs through the middle of our room, keeping us from speaking to each other. I want to paint graffiti on it and write nasty things.
I feel abandoned.
The medicinal laughter and knowing looks of a good friend are replaced with silence and the glow of a computer screen. It's always the same story. I let someone dig their hooks into me. Then a girl, work, or some new opportunity comes along and pulls them away, ripping fresh wounds into my skin. I stand there bleeding while they disappear off into the horizon.
I want to start over.
It's hard to start over in the same place. Everything is a reminder of the past. When I'm in a familiar place, I can see the ghostly images of the past overlaying the present. People that are no longer here running around campus in transient forms.
There's a party outside.
I can hear laughter and music. Why am I such a wet blanket? Why does it seem to be inherent to my nature? I wish I was not so negative.
I need a hug.
Life Lessons
I've learned some important lessons over the past week.
- Don't blow stuff way out of proportion. Things seem like a bigger deal in your own mind than they do to other people.
- Try not to anticipate what a person is going to say before you talk to them. This leads to the previous point.
- If you write someone a letter and they don't respond immediately, don't assume that they're breaking contact with you or that they're angry at you. Sometimes people have other issues to deal with and they can't get back to you immediately.
- Getting outside your comfort zone is well worth it.
Honesty
I told someone the truth. It was hard for me. I really didn't want to do it. I rethought it over and over again. I thought maybe I could move on and never tell them, let them keep thinking a lie. However, I chose not to do that.
I told them how I felt. I think it was the right thing to do. But if that were the case, why does it feel so wrong?
I Killed Peter Pan
It had to be done.
His elfish charms waylaid me from my task for far too long.
For a time he seemed to make me fly.
It was magical.
I soared above the clouds, flying loop-de-loops and figure eights.
Then something happened.
My strength began to drain.
His weight pulled me towards the waves, threatening to engulf me.
I looked down into his frightened eyes.
He knew what was to be done.
Without pity I cut the rope binding him to me, hurling his helpless body into the sea.
I soared away into the unknown.
Where true adventure waits.
Yet a part of me can't help and look back, wondering if maybe I couldn't have taken him along for the ride.
Work in Progress
This is what I have done so far on my short story that I'm working on. It's kind of aimless and was really more of an excercise to get me writing again, but I hope to finish it also. The general consensus seems to be that I could add some more characterization into it. I'm hoping that I'll be able to have accomplished that goal once it's finished. Tell me what you think and don't worry about hurting my feelings, I can take it.
Conflict
I've become increasingly frustrated with someone recently. Sometimes you come to a point where it's hard to see anything but that one thing about the person. This person can really get under my skin. I don't want to be passive, avoiding conflict. Conflict isn't necesarily a negative force. It's a force for change which can be both positive or negative. Without conflict there is just atrophy. The key is understanding the proper and improper ways of dealing with and initiating conflict.
I have been dealing with my conflict with this other person in an improper manner, which has also caused them to retaliate in an equally improper manner. I still think my feelings should be expressed, but in a way that's more constructive and constitutes more meekness (namely having an actual conversation about my beef with this person).
Confession
"We love those who know the worst of us and don't turn their faces away."
- Walker Percy
I'm currently reading Augustine's Confessions (link). It's basically a book where Augustine describes his life of sin before he became committed to God and the way that he was saved from sin by God's grace.
In the forward of my Oxford Press copy it talks about how the work was intended as a way to shut up a lot of those who were critical of him in the Church. He put his whole life and all his shortcomings out there for all to see.
In the college class on Sunday at church we wrote down on note cards the sins that we struggle with , the places where we find ourselves struggling the most, the people we find cause us to struggle the most, etc. I was sitting fairly closely to the guy next to me. I wrote down single word descriptions that might not mean much to a wayward glance but still conveyed a lot of meaning to myself. I angled the card on my leg so that it was facing away from the guy sitting next to me. I really didn't want him to see anything.
Maybe there's something to all those churches that have people go confess to their priests (though there's definitely problems in that model as well).