There's this guy at my school who can be kind of obnoxious. He will readily admit this himself. People make fun of him sometimes. He's freaked out and disgusted a few people. I admire him though. There's a lot of authenticity to him. He seems to say what's on his mind. He seems to not care about social stigmas whatsoever. He says lots of things that offend people, but I think he says them because that's what he's thinking and not because that's what will shock. He has an ugly side to him (who doesn't?), but he doesn't seem to try to hide it.
The idea of authenticity is important to me. Except a lot of times I have to take my approach in the opposite direction. I have to hide things so I'm absolutely sure it's coming from a sincere place in myself. I get too much satisfaction from people's praise and too much discouragement from their criticism.
The feeling of inauthenticity[sic] has began to creep up into this blog. I made it known to a wide range of people because my past blog was only available to a couple of people and thus I was never motivated to update it.
As the writer from Tarkovsky's Stalker says, "A man writes because he is tormented, because he doubts. He needs to constantly prove to himself and the others that he's worth something. And if I know for sure that I'm a genius? Why write then? What the hell for?"
I have a conflicting desire to write and hide at the same time.
I have thoughts that I feel like would cause people disgust, beliefs that would cause ostricization. The very fact that I'm afraid to share these things shows I've failed in being authentic with those people I'm afraid to share with. It'd be impossible for me to be totally authentic on this blog; hell, humans can't even be truthful with themselves. I will however promise to make an effort towards that ideal state as often as I can. I'm going to try and show some of my ugly side. Maybe it'll be helpful to someone who reads it or maybe somebody who reads it can be helpful to me. I'm willing to give it a shot.
Some interesting stuff I've found from surfing the Internet this week.
Link 1 : Banksy, a famous vandal in Britain who blurs the line between vandalism and art (courtesy of my roommate)
Link 2: Great post by internetmonk concerning lent. I think there's a lot of great things that evangelicals can take from Orthodoxy and Catholic traditions. The Christian calander is a great example, but it needs to be viewed in the light of the new testament. Sacraments and traditions don't provide salvation and aren't necessary, but they are still beneficial. Taking part in this aspect of Christian tradition doesn't make you a better person than those who choose not to.
Link 3: In depth discussion of Jungian types. Specifically the differences between INFP and INFJ. I know some of you might think this stuff is all hogwash, but I've found it as a helpful tool for self-evaluation. I've come to see some of my seemingly negative tendencies as a part of my self identity rather than as personal issues that I need to completely overcome (such as not being more extroverted). It's a tool for self discovery, rather than a way to pigeon hole yourself.
Link 4: Good paper on why it's a good idea to be cautious when using Jungian types for self-evaluation and why you shouldn't let personality tests pigeonhole you 
.
Link 5: Criterion is putting part of their film library online. Each month a few selected films will be available to watch for free. Signup is free, but mandatory. Definitely check it out if you're into arthouse and foreign films.
Link 6: This is scary. It kind of makes you question your entire reality. What has been there that I've just plain refused to see?
Over winter break I deleted my facebook. It was one of the best decisions I ever made. There's been a lot of articles lately about social networking and the affects it has on society and the individual. For the most part these aren't very positive changes.
I'm an introverted sort of guy. The internet has become sort of a crutch for me. It provides a back door for expressing myself. Before World of Warcraft became extremely popular, there was a game called Star Wars Galaxies. For about 2 years I played this game. I spent hours everyday interacting with people half-way across the world who I'd never met in real life. Thankfully I got more involved in Band and the film program at my school and made some really good friends. I hung out with them. We had poker nights on fridays. I'd go over play a game of poker or watch one. Then we'd pop in a movie and talk throughout it. I usually didn't get home until 1:00 or 2:00 in the morning.
I've felt a lot more social anxiety here at school. It's tough for me to get close to people. I made some good friends here, but a lot of people I just talked to on facebook. It's not really a healthy way to form a relationship at all. Most of our communication is nonverbal. If I'm talking to someone through a computer, there's a significant loss of communication going on.
The idea that extensive use of the internet for social interactions can actually rewire our brains is a little disturbing to me. I'm trying to get myself more away from that. Yes I have a blog here online, but that's more akin to writing an editorial column for a newspaper. What you see on here is something that is filtered and meant to inspire thought in my readers rather than convey my innermost thoughts (that's why I have a personal journal).
The Academy Awards were this past Sunday. I never watch the proceedings. I find the broadcasts long and boring. However, as a cinephile (lover of movies) I am fairly interested in what films win the awards.
I wasn't surprised that Heath Ledger won his posthumous award, though I feel like the award would have been better spent on boosting the ego of someone who's still alive. I didn't think his performance was all that special (I also felt like the Dark Knight was a mediocre film that didn't surpass Batman Begins). I feel like if he hadn't kicked the bucket the award would have gone to Phillip Seymour Hoffman, who's always a favorite.
Slumdog Millionaire raked in the most awards. It was an excellent film (that's totally undeserving of it's R rating). It's plot made a lot of references to Bollywood films, which probably went over the heads of American audiences. Still, if you're interested in a good love story where the "nice guy" gets the girl then I highly suggest seeing it.
I was really disappointed to see that Happy-Go-Lucky didn't get more recognition. The protagonist is a woman who is very upbeat (to the point of annoyance for some viewers). The film follows her through fairly normal days in her life as she interacts with the people around her. The film has a lot to say about living with fear. Fear of relationships, fear of criticism, fear of the future, fear of financial security. The foil to the protagonist is a driving instructor who is afraid of everything. You can see how this festers up in him, the driving force behind his anger at the universe.
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tdjb98LOuEw]
Bigger Stronger Faster is an excellent documentary that takes a good hard look at steroid use in the United States. It's very even handed about the issue, showing some of the moral issues with the drugs while also dispelling a lot of the negative stigma that has grown around it. Towards the end of the film it begins to pull out and look at how much medicated self improvement has become an ingrained part of our culture. Kids take ADHD medicine to gain an edge in education, U.S. pilots take speed, tons of people take anti-depressants.
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D8nOKJTL6Tg]
Also, check out Appaloosa. Usually when a Western comes out now it's at least interesting if not good. I liked this a lot better than 3:10 to Yuma. The gunfights are intense but quick, rather than drawn out like in a spaghetti western. The two protagonists aren't morally perfect, but they are interesting studies in commitment and trust between comrades. It's a good movie, go rent it.
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h57n6R9pbU0]
I attend a university that's affiliated with Christianity, more specifically the Church of Christ. There are a great many good things about going to a Christian School. I've learned a lot more about understanding what scripture is saying and understanding the context in which it was written. I've learned things to strengthen and defend my faith.
On the other hand there's a general sense of being disconnected from reality. The term "bubble" has been jokingly used to refer to the isolation students seem to have from the community around them.
Back home I only have a few Christian friends and a lot of non-christian friends. I've known most of them since 5th or 6th grade. Can you imagine being told by your best friend in elementary school that he thought that the religion you practiced was a bunch of bologna? I had to deal with that
It put a lot of emotional stress on me at a couple of points in time, because I couldn't come to terms with people that I loved going to hell (which also led to a huge existential crisis concerning my beliefs on Soteriology, but that's for another post). At the same time it was somewhat of a blessing. I was able to open up to a couple of them and talk about religious subjects. I never changed anybody's mind, but I was able to give them more understanding of what it was exactly that I believed and they gave me tough questions that I was able to wrestle with.
Part of the problem of going to a Christian University is that it reduces the impact that you can make as a believer in Christ. There's not as many different points of view, so theological discussions can become quickly tiresome. There can be a temptation to fall into pretentious religious piety (something I am guilty of myself).
On the other hand, there are still people here who need love just as much as anyone else. There are people who struggle with addictions. There are people who don't believe in God. There are people who sit outside the social circle and in need of a friend.
The oppurtunities are still there, it's just a little harder to see them.
I have a tendency to keep things locked away in my head. By things, I mean everything. Conversations, wants, dreams are all safely locked away in my noggin never to see the light of day.
In some ways this is good. Thoughts I shouldn't speak aloud remain unsaid. Actions I shouldn't do remain undone. Embarrassing misunderstandings didn't happen because I decided not to take a chance.
On the flip side I wonder what would have happened if I did make those mistakes. What would people think if I actually had a conversation with them instead of trying to play it out inside my head.
There's an interesting dichotomy between thought and action.
One of the pieces of scripture that's most frightening to me comes from James 4:17 . Which says "Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it, sins." If anyone is guilty of inaction, it's me.
Over the winter break, my dad and I were hanging out in Barnes and Noble looking for a gift for someone who had done a lot recently for our family. We stopped over by the section for Leo Tolstoy, which led my dad to start discussing War and Peace.
In the book there's a character who sees himself as very moral. He's always thinking about what is moral. Unfortunately he ends up overanalyzing everything and ends up doing nothing.
The foil to this character is someone who doesn't think at all. He just takes action. He's not philosophical. He doesn't think very much about morality, however he ends up doing more good deeds than the guy who's always thinking about morality.
This may at first seem counterintuitive, but makes sense when you think about it. The longer someone thinks about something the longer it's going to take for action to take place.
It's better to donate $30 dollars now than it is to ponder how much of your paycheck you'll be giving to charities when you're raking in six figures.
Go take chances, make mistakes. Just make sure your heart's in the right place.
It’s spring. It seems somehow appropriate that the season of new beginnings marks the beginning of a new blog… a blank slate. I’m hoping to put some writings on here just as a way to blow off some of my steam. I’ve put off writing ever since I began pursuing my degree in computer engineering. I miss it.
I’m working on a short story right now. If I finish it, I may decide to post it up here.